Family Togetherness Nightmare
by FREAKSHOW1
Summary: Larxene and Roxas suffer through a family reunion, while Riku and Zexion deal with their own problems. [Yaoi, Het]
1. The Nightmare Begins

**Summary: As Roxas and Larxene prepare for a trying family reunion, Riku and Zexion get a most unpleasant suprise of their own.**

**Pairings: Sora/Roxas, Axel/Riku, one-sided Zexion/Larxene**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts, I would not have work in a dirty bookstore.**

* * *

**Strife Home**

"Your move."

Zexion considered the board carefully, before moving a pawn ahead one space. "So, tell me what's wrong."

Larxene raised one blonde eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

"You're sitting here, playing chess with me, instead of making wisecracks about the idiots you met today. Something's up, and I want to know what."

She sighed, and slumped in her seat. "Well, if you insist. The Strife family reunion is in two days."

"Oh."

"Yeah," she rolled her eyes, "And so instead of biting the bullet and going herself, my dear mother is sending me and Roxas in her place."

"I see. And that's so bad...why?"

The blonde woman shot him a glare that would have frozen Caligula in his tracks. "You've never met our family. They despise us. We're only invited becuase they enjoy mocking us. Cloud managed to weasel out of it by staying at school over the summer. Bastard."

"So, why don't you just tell her you don't want to go?"

"Tried it." Larxene gave a pathetic little moan and moved her rook three spaces to the left, "It's that, or I 'volunteer' at her daycare center. At least I won't feel too bad if I kill a family member."

"Well," Zexion, sent his queen forward and captured Larxene's king, "I'll pray for you."

* * *

**Loire Home**

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Roxas, no."

"But I'm begging you. You're my only hope!"

Sora placed his hands on his boyfriend's shoulders, and looked him square in the eye. "Roxas, I love you, but I'm not going to hit you on the head with a pipe so you can avoid your family's reunion. Brain damage is where I draw the line."

"You'd be doing me a favor! If you knew my family, you'd understand. A coma is preferable to spending time with them."

Sora sighed, "Come on, Roxas it can't possibly be that bad."

"You're right about that. It's much worse. So much worse..."

"Get a hold of yourself. Just pretend you're somewhere else. Better yet, pretend I'm there, and we're making fun of them."

Roxas' eyes lit up. "Hey...you there..."

"Oh no," Sora put his hands in the air and backed away slowly, "Nope, no way, not a chance in hell!"

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

* * *

**Hojo Home**

While his friends were dealing with their own personal crises, Riku was relaxing on a sofa in the Hojo's living room. Yes, life was peaceful, undisturbed, totally serene.

_**Ding-dong!**_

Damn doorbell.

Grumbling to himself, he goty up and went to the door.

"Little brother!"

Riku's squeak of suprise was unnoticed as he was wrapped in a leather-clad hug.

"Loz...It's good to see you. What are you doing here?" Riku asked as his brother released him from the embrace.

"The floor of my apartment caved in. I called dad to tell him I was coming, didn't he say anything?"

"Dad hasn't been home for three days, you know how he gets."

"Oh...yeah," Loz said sheepishly. "Well, since I'm--Zexion, Mom!" The aforementioned two found themselves hugged immediately.

Lucrecia embraced her son tightly, "It's so good to see you! But, what are you doing here?"

"Dad forgot everything again," Riku interjected, as the doorbell rang, again. Once again, Riku found himself opening the door. "Yazoo," he greated his brother flatly.

"I shot a burgler, so I'm having my house cleaned." The long haired man said without preamble, moving quickly into the house.

Riku and Zexion locked eyes. Both knew, instinctively, this was a very, very bad thing.

* * *

**A/N: Do you guys like it so far? I really want to know if I should continue this or not.**


	2. Into The Fire

**Summary: Riku is driven mad, while Larxene and her brother are driven to the lion's den.**

**Note: I forgot to mention this last chapter, but this story draws heavily from two episodes of the TV show **_**Daria**_**. If you're wondering, the episodes are **_**The Teachings of Don Jake**_** and **_**Lane Miserables**_**. And yes, Mrs. Strife's name is a horrible pun.**

**I still don't own it, and I still sell obscene literature for a living.**

* * *

**Hojo Home**

It was official. Riku was going slowly insane.

If it wasn't Loz and his infernal desire to spend time with his younger brother ("C'mon, we never get to bond like we used to! Just one game of catch?"), it was Yazoo and his loud arguments over the phone with the cleaning company ("700 dollars my ass! How much work can it possibly take to get bloodstains out of a shag carpet!?").

To make matters that much worse, Kadaj had shown up in the middle of the night, falling to pieces over his relationship troubles ("Oh Yuna, what can I do to make you happy?"). His father had come home in the morning, taken one look at his assembled children, and made up a ridiculous excuse about having forgotten something at the office. As far as Riku knew, he was still there retrieving that paperweight.

Zexion was of no help, having barricaded himself in his room to escape the hell that was brotherly love. Their mother was oblivious in her basement laboratory, emerging every so often to remark on how "nice it is to have the family together again."

Riku was watching TV, hoping against hope to drown out the chaos. But it was not to be.

That goddamn doorbell.

Bracing himself for whatever horror might next befall his home, Riku got up, walked to the door, and opened it slowly.

Sephiroth eyed him critically, one impeccable silver eyebrow raised ever so slightly.

"Riku. Is our mother here?"

He couldn't help it. For the first time since he was twelve, Riku fell to his knees and wept.

* * *

**Somewhere on the highway**

"...And for the love of god, Larxene, don't antagonize your grandmother. I catch enough grief from her as it is." Eris Strife continued to drone on about the things her children should not do, so as to make their week-long isolation with their relatives less unpleasant, while speeding down the interstate.

"You do realize that you'll get grief from her anyways," Roxas chimed in from the back seat, "She hates our guts."

"Be that as it may," their mother continued, "She is your grandmother, you should at least make the effort to appear like you love her."

"If appearance is so important," Larxene interjected, "Then why aren't you coming to this little love-fest?"

"Don't be silly Larxene, you know that in five minutes I'd go right for your Aunt Darlene's throat. Besides, you two share their blood, I just married in."

"Wow, mom, your commitment to family is _so_ heartwarming," Larxene deadpanned. They passed a sign that said _"Welcome To Kalm!"_ Neither Larxene nor her mother noticed the whimper that came from the back seat.

* * *

After seeing Roxas and his family off as the blond desperately tried to convince him to either come with or beat him into a vegitative state with a hammer, Sora had planned to spend the day relaxing at home. 

"Had planned to" being the operative phrase.

His quiet day of movie-watching had been shattered by a hysterical Riku, sobbing uncontrollably, pounding at the door and begging to be taken in.

Said crying, whiney wuss was currently curled up on the Loire's sofa, murmuring to himself that "everything's fine, we're out of the bad place now."

"Tell me one more time why you came here instead of going to Axel's? It seems to me that counseling you through this little family crisis should be the boyfriend's job."

Riku managed to glare weakly at him. "Axel would have spent the whole time trying to get into my pants instead of listening to me."

Sora snorted, "Yeah, because I'm famous for being so attentive. You're such a baby, Riku."

With something akin to a snarl, Riku glared with a little more intensity. "Y'know someday your family will all come together at once, and then you'll know what I've been--"

Riku was interupted by Laguna, Sora's father, rushing through th living room...

"Can't talk, big meeting, gotta go!"

...Followed by his mother, Raine, rushing through while applying lipstick...

"Hi honey, I've got a charity event at the museum, there's food in the fridge, bye!"

...with his older brother Squall bringing up the rear...

"I'm going out."

Sora turned back to Riku with a wry smile on his face. "You were saying?"

"I hate you."

* * *

Having pulled Roxas out of the car, depositing him in the fetal position on the ground, Larxene slumped down onto a bench, watching as her mother's car sped off into the distance, the woman behind the wheel cackling as she threw her children to the wolves. 

That last part was only in Larxene's mind. Probably.

"Well, it looks like we're on our own, Roxas. Roxas?" She looked down at the whimpering puddle that was her little brother. With a sigh of disgust, she hauled him to his feet, and slapped him once across the face. "Get a hold of yourself!"

He gave his sister a wide-eyed stare, brought his hand up to his stinging red cheek, and exhaled deeply.

"Thanks. I...I needed that, didn't I?"

"Damn straight. We've gotta keep it together, or they'll tear us a new one."

"You're right." He put on a determined face, and the two of them made their way down the dirt road that led to the cabins the Strifes had rented for the reunion, both ignoring the chills running up and down their spines.


	3. Echolalia

**Kalm National Park, Recreation Pavillion**

"Oh, Larxene, you've gotten so pretty."

Someone, somewhere, was going to suffer, slowly and deeply, for this.

"Oh, Larxene, you've gotten so pretty."

It wasn't like Aunt Maxine was unpleasant. Quite the opposite, she was very nice. One of the only relatives there who didn't constantly make snide comments about her. Trouble was--

"Oh, Larxene, you've gotten so pretty."

Trouble was, she was also very old. And as a consequence, she had trouble remembering things...

"Oh, Larxene, you've gotten so pretty."

...Such as what she'd said twenty seconds before. And while some might find it endearing, even cute, Larxene saw it differently. She was fighting the urge to put the elderly spinster out of her misery. It was becoming increasingly difficult as the day wore on.

"Oh, Larxene, you've gotten so pretty."

And then began the twitching.

* * *

**Hojo Home**

Not much could rattle Professor Hojo. Not only did he dissect freaky mutants for a living, but he dealt with the Shin-Ra board of directors on a daily basis.

But there were some things that even a slightly insane genius couldn't deal with.

A family of grown children converging on what had up until recently been a fairly quiet, almost empty home was one of them.

"So, dad, what do you say to a game of Monopoly?"

Don't misunderstand, Hojo loved his children. But this situation was getting out of hand. Sephiroth was fuming about something or other to Lucrecia, Loz was choosing now of all times to bond with his parents, Yazoo was fast turning the kitchen into the battleground for a legal showdown with the good people at "Clean and Simple Inc.," Kadaj was weeping all over everything about...whatever his issues were this week, Zexion hadn't left his room in three days, and Riku was on the lam.

And so there the Professor was, hiding under the bed he and his wife occasionally shared, drawing deeper and deeper into the darkness to escape his needy progeny. A squeak drew his attention, and he turned his head to find himself in a staring contest with a mouse.

With a squeak of his own, totally unsuited to a grown man of his age and intellect, he darted from his hiding place beneath the bed, and into the closet.

* * *

**Loire Home**

Once he'd gotten past the hysteria, Sora had to admit that Riku wasn't all that bad a person to share living space with. The silver-haired boy was good company, and it had been too long since the two friends had done anything together. The only snag had been when Riku had sleepwalked into Sora's room at just past 3:00 AM and tried to cuddle, but a verbal pimp-slapping had fixed that problem fairly quickly.

Best of all, though, was the system they had devised to ensure that Sora's own family stayed away (because the last thing they needed was another ironic bout of familial closeness). Whenever Laguna, Raine, or Squall were known to be anywhere in the vicinity, Riku would immediately go into clingy, weepy mode, wailing about the horror of it all. This had the effect of causing Sora's parents or brother to get the hell away as soon as humanly possible, ensuring a good two hours of solitude.

Oh, the joys of a neglectful home life.

* * *

**Kalm National Park, Recreation Pavillion**

While his sister suffered the ramblings of the Aunt Without A Memory, Roxas had his own problems to deal with. Namely, their grandmother.

Caligula was bad. Vlad the Impaler was bad. Elizabeth Bathory was bad. Edith Strife was an entirely new level of evil. Animals went insane when she appeared. It would rain on otherwise fine days. Some even said she absorbed light itself.

Most of these claims, were, naturally, absurd. But that didn't change the fact that the old woman was still one of the most unpleasant people on the face of the planet. Her own kids didn't like her, a dislike that was outshone only by their hatred of her youngest son, Roxas and Larxene's father. She was mean. She was bitter. She was cruelly brilliant.

And she was sitting right next to him.

"So, Roxas, dear, when are you going to find a nice girl?" The old woman smiled with pure poison.

_'Ok, Stirfe,'_ Roxas thought to himself, _'What are we going to tell her? We can lie, spin some stupid and untrue tale about a lady love just to keep her from bringing out the claws, or we can be honest, and tell her about Sora and how we like the Y Chromosome.'_ He mulled the possibilities in his mind for a moment.

"Oh, I've got one, her name's Namine."

* * *

**A/N: Eh, I don't really like this one, but I felt I had to get something out there before my inspiration for this story ran dry.**


	4. If I Had A Maniac For A Friend

**A/N: What happens when you spend three days talking to a floor? A new chapter for FTN, natch. Roxas pays the penalty for dishonesty, and Zexion learns that you can't escape who you are. Actually, you just plain can't escape.

* * *

**

**Kalm National Park, Recreation Pavilion #7**

"_I can't believe you!_" Larxene stared, round-eyed, at her little brother, shock and dismay decorating her face. Roxas just kept his eyes to the floor, clearly embarrassed beyond the telling. As well he should be, the dumbass.

"Well, what was I suppoised to do?" He asked, and for once, he actually hoped she had an answer.

"Anything else!" She smacked him lightly on the side of the head. "_Namine_? She is our cousin, you twisted little freak!"

"Well, yeah, but I didn't expect grandma to know that. How was I supposed to remember they were both at our house for the holidays that one time?" Larxene resisted the urge to strangle her stupid, stupid sibling. It was bad enough she was trapped here with these weirdos, but the one ally she had in all this cracked under the first sign of septuagenarian interrogation.

For once, she was not the cause of the funny looks and quiet whispers that followed the two black sheep. No, she'd been innocently showing those kids how to switch Aunt Kathy's decongestants with low-intensity laxatives when her grandmother wheeled up, grabbed her arm, and dragged her off at a brisk 4.5 miles per hour, all the while lecturing her about "that little deviant" and how "I expected better, even from you two." This naturally perplexed the girl, and so upon asking what the hell the old woman was babbling about (in only slightly more respectful words), Larxene had been treated to a delightfully horrifying tale about perversion, and speculation on what childhood trauma had caused Edith Strife's youngest grandson to go so terribly wrong.

And although she did kind of find this whole situation funny, it wasn't worth having everyone treat her and Roxas as though they were covered in raw sewage. So, thinking quickly, Larxene did what she always did in an otherwise intractable situation. She lied. She swiftly and masterfully fabricated a tale about how Roxas' girlfriend was actually a different Namine, and yeah, she had been a little creeped out when she had learned the girl's name, but that they were actually completely different.

It was worth all the whiskey in a drunkard's dreams when Edith admitted that she actually hadn't waited around to hear Roxas' side of the story, and, bamboozled and contrite, apologized to him. Of course, that hardly made up for the long minutes of more-pointed-than-usual glaring and the children asking what "sodomite" means, but beggars can't be choosers, and they'd escaped with a shred of dignity, so Larxene was satisfied.

But satisfaction wasn't going to stop her from getting in her own jabs in at the little idiot.

"...And of course you didn't actually spend more than a second thinking, because Yevon forbid you should actually realize that you're about to do something completely retarded! Honestly, you're lucky I was here or they would have--" What they would have done would continue to be a mystery, however, as Larxene was interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. Seeing "**Zexion**" flashing on the screen, she answered. "Yo, Zex? Whatcha need?"

_"Oh god, you have to help me! They're taking the door down by the hinges. Oh, god, they're here! No! No! Get away from me! Just leave me a--!"_ The sound of a crash came through the earpiece, and then the line went silent.

Larxene stared thoughtfully at the phone for a moment, before shrugging, pocketing it, and turning back to Roxas.

"Anyway, as I was saying, you're lucky I was here, because I--" She was cut off again though, this time by a piercing scream drifting into their cabin. Larxene immediately perked up, smiling proudly through the window.

"Oh, looks like Aunt Kathy got her surprise after all."

* * *

**Hojo Home**

If there was one thing Loz was sure of, it was that spending time with one's family was one of the most important things in anyone's life. It was those little moments that made life worth living, after all.

"I will kill you and feed you to dogs!"

... And someday, Zexion would come to see that too. After all, even Yazoo had come around eventually to the need to "bond" with their second-youngest brother.

"Stop struggling, Zex, you'll smear it." And then there was Kadaj. Helpful, helpful Kadaj, who could do such distubingly magnificent things with just a brush and a few bottles of neon nail polish.

Yes, Loz reflected, it was very important to spend time with your little brother. Whether he wanted you to, or not.

* * *

**Kalm National Park, Recreation Pavilion #7 **

The period of grudging good will following their grandmother's apology was a short one. After Aunt Kathy's "unexplainable accident," the alcohol had materialized with atonishing alacrity. So what if Roxas had decided to teach Uncle Max's six-year-old daughter Tina about how drinking kills feelings and leads to puppy-stranglings. And so what if Larxene had told four-year-old Tommy about why daddy really took that "medicine" every evening when he got home. Honestly, there was no reason to start a riot over it...

Well, ok, they'd actually been the ones to start the riot. Actually, it wasn't so much a riot as it was fifteen little kids running away after someone "accidently" knocked great-aunt Millie's wig off. Running away right into one of the bug-away torches. Which may or may not have been situated next to some discarded boxes, sparking a brief, if impressive make-shift bonfire. It had been put out promptly, and nobody was hurt, and nobody had actually seen them do anything, but Larxene and Roxas had still been griped at. So what if they'd done it? There wasn't any proof!

In the face of this obvious injustice, Larxene and Roxas had retreated to their cabin, locking the door and barricading the window, ignoring the incessant knocking. Really, now, what were those people still angry about? It wasn't like Roxas had secretly replaced the pepper with dirt. And it wasn't as though Larxene had thrown that tomato at Scarlet during karaoke.

Ok, they'd done those things too. But there was no evidence to prove they'd done it! Damn it, they'd worked hard to cover their tracks, they deserved to get off. But apparently, the others didn't see it that way. So the pair had lamented the lack of fairness in the world, and resigned themselves to spending the rest of the day amusing themselves inside with Tetris and a copy of _"An Idiot's Guide to Bank Robbery."_

Larxene was just finishing with chapter twelve, "_For the Love of God, Check for Dye Packs_," when her phone rang again. The name **"Axel"** was flashing in the caller ID.

"Yeah, what do you want. Yeah, Zex called me. Yeah, it was weird. No, I don't know what's going on. I'm out of town. Family Reunion, here in the seventh circle of hell. Didn't Rox..." Suddenly, Larxene's face lit up. Roxas looked up from his game to see her smiling wickedly. "Actually, Axel," she began, her voice taking on a sinister bent, "do you think you could do me a favor?"

* * *

**Oooh, things are taking a turn at the reunion. And just what is happening to Zexion? The world may never know.**


	5. This would have been funny two years ago

**Sangria Home**

"Mm hmm. Ok, tonight, 6:30 PM, got it." Axel hung up the phone, glanced down at the notes he'd taken during his brief communication with Larxene, and went to his bedroom door. "Kairi!" he called to his sister downstairs, "Bring the van around!"

* * *

**Loire Home**

During the few days since Riku's arrival, Sora's home had been next to abandoned. This, of course, was how Sora liked it. He and Riku had spent the time mindlessly playing video games and watching movies. Action films, not romantic comedies. Or, at least, that's what they would tell anyone who asked.

And that was where life found them at four in the afternoon, on the couch, taking in an episode of _"Corel's Most Stunning Chocobo Accidents,"_ and certainly not watching _"100 Secrets To Better Skin_," when the doorbell rang. Quickly ordering Riku to "change it to something manly," Sora got up and went to the door, opening it up to find two cheery redheads.

Axel pushed right past the brunet, making his way into the living room. The sounds of...contact...could soon be heard. Sora saw Kairi shudder, and closed the door behind him. "What's up?" he asked. Kairi made a face for a moment before shrugging.

"Truth be told, I have no idea. Axel said something about going to Kalm, and then when we pulled up he said his "Riku senses" were tingling. After that, I covered my ears." Sora nodded sympathetically, steeled himself, and then opened the door.

"Axel! What's--?"

"I left you a note in the van, so get the hell out of here!" Resisting the urge to puke as he heard Riku groan, Sora quickly shut the door, and, knowing what was soon to...happen**(1)**, made a beeline for the Sangria's van, Kairi hot on his heels.

Ignoring the whimpering Zexion in the back-most seat with the promise of an explanation later, the brown-haired teen took in hand the note Axel had helpfully left taped to the steering wheel. Handing it to Kairi, he examined the box of supplies in the middle seat.

"Well, I've got to hand it to Larxene," Kairi piped up after a moment, "She always has been good at causing huge amounts of chaos while keeping it completely legal."

"Yeah," Sora said, "And she's really good at dragging other people into it."

"But you know we have to do this, right?" Kairi grinned, starting the engine.

"Of course," Sora responded, "Wouldn't't miss it."

* * *

_**Beep**_

**4:15:26**

In a cabin somewhere in a Kalm park, Larxene and Roxas Strife looked over the details of their plan, and laughed deviously.

**4:15:27**

Sora Loire watched as Zexion and Kairi struggled not to lose their lunches following his rather graphic description of what their brothers were probably doing to each other, and cackled like a madman.

**4:15:28**

Raine Leonhart-Loire dropped her keys to the ground in shock at the noises emanating from the other side of the front door. Beside her, her husband's jaw was hanging in abject terror, while their older son brought a hand to his mouth. They had taken to spending time away from home while their youngest son's disturbed friend was staying with them, but they had to go back eventually, despite the pained moaning from the silver-haired boy. This time, however, there were moans of an entirely different sort. Neither of them noticed their oldest son chuckling quietly behind them.

**4:15:29**

In a small, poorly ventilated room somewhere just this side of illiteracy, a young woman home sick from work was giggling at her sorry attempt to parody "24," as her readers began making preparations to kill her with all manner of deadly weapons.

**A/N: No beating around the bush. This chapter sucks. But I'm hoping the finale will make up for it. **

**(1): The phrase "soon to come" was considered and discarded due to the author's attempts to act her age. Of course, the lame gag with the 24 clock and everyone laughing may have negated that.**


End file.
